Batboys Close Up
by candyapples101
Summary: Steph needs help for a school project. Her mission involves videotaping the batboys behaviors. See the non-edited view of life in Wayne Mansion. Everyone gets to see the Bat Boys dysfunctional family glory. So they do what any dysfunctional family would do when presented with an opportunity to take a group photo while dropping down fifty feet in a log. They strike fabulous poses.
1. Fuck Oatmeal

**Disclaimer: I own nothing!**

Ch. 1 Fuck Oatmeal

Tim, Steph, and Jason were at the table enjoying breakfast. Yes, even Jason's here; he said something about Roy and Kori needing "to fuck like rabbits," leaving Jason with no other option but to crash at the manor for a couple days. Damian had yet to wake up, most likely due to the fact that the authority figures of the Wayne estate were absent; Bruce, being away on a business trip, while Alfred was on a much needed and long overdue vacation. Tim and Dick were the unfortunate ones chosen to hold down the fort while they were away.

Stephanie had spent the night, since they had all come back from patrol utterly exhausted.

"Helloooo!" Stephanie smiled at the camcorder she was holding. "As you can see, my test subjects are behind..."

"You know that's not even on, right?" Tim said, cutting her off, looking up from his laptop.

Steph glanced at Tim and then the camcorder. She frowned."…I knew… never mind. Where's the 'ON' button on this thing?!" she grumbled, pressing random buttons. Having no luck in finding it, she gave a frustrated sigh.

"Hand it over," Tim said.

Defeated, she handed it over to him. Tim smirked as he pressed the power button, and presented it to her in triumph. "See? Was it really that hard?"

"No freaking way! I pressed that button!" Crossing her arms she huffed, "Stupid technology…"

"What are you doing anyway? Going to record us eating breakfast?" Dick asked with a mouthful of cereal, milk dripping down his chin.

Jason snorted. "Yeah, cuz nothing screams memorable moments like sleepy, grouchy people who need more coffee."

"Well… um… I have to do this project for my psychology class. The point is to basically study four different people, and I thought you guys would be perfect for it. And when the recording's done, I have to analyze behavior and other stuff… she trailed off. Seeing that none of them were saying anything she asked hesitantly, "So…what do you say?"

The three brothers exchanged glances before answering her in union:

"Sure! Why not?" Grayson said in enthusiasm.

"What's in it for me?" was Todd's immediate response, followed by, "and will I get more screen time than Dick?" as he stuck his thumb in Dick's direction pointedly.

"Are you going to record everything…?" Tim questioned in dismay.

Eyes wide, Steph help up a hand. "Whoa! One at time people!" Stephanie yelled, and the boys shut up.

After making a second explanation, and being positive everyone was on the same page, she asked them and all the boys gave their consent, with the exception of Damian who was still sound asleep, despite the ruckus that erupted from Steph's project.

"Yay!" she squealed in victory. Practically jumping up and down, she grabbed the camera to begin recording. Making sure it was actually on this time, she began with an energetic, "Hello audience! My test subjects are behind me. I will be filming the Wayne brothers. Let's say hello to the Wayne boys shall we?" she turned the camera towards Tim. "Say hello Timmy!"

Tim looked up at the camera shyly and awkwardly waved. He barely said, "Hi," before his gaze fell back to his laptop screen again.

"Timmy is sixte-" Steph started.

"Seventeen." Tim corrected, cutting her off, eyes still fixed on his laptop.

"Fine whatever. 'Seventeen' years old." Stephanie says, rolling her eyes. "Apparently I missed a birthday," she mumbled, while turning the camcorder towards Dick.

Sweeping her hands in a wide gesture in front of the camcorder, voice pitched lower, she presented Dick as if he was a prized endangered animal in an exhibit. "This next one I'm sure you all know, unless you've been living under a rock, is Richard Grayson."

Dick wiped the milk splashes from his chin, and with a smile spread wide, he, (unbeknownst to him) displayed some cereal still stuck in his teeth, and said "Hi!" He was also waving enthusiastically, blue eyes gleaming in laughter.

Stephanie's lips twitched in suppressed laughter, but she managed to stifle it in the effort to maintain some kind of professionalism. "Tell the audience a little about yourself, Dick."

He puffed up like a peacock and began with a confidence that was characteristic only for Dick. "Well my name's Richard, but everyone calls me Dick, and I'm twenty six! I'm also the oldest and, most importantly, handsome, of my brothers and…"

Jason snatched the camera from Steph, "Yeah, yeah, get over yourself Grayson. We don't need your whole life story. Or to suffer from your delusions." Jason fixed the camera to face himself. He smirked at Dick as he said, "Unlike some, I don't have a nickname that is usually used as an insult in common conversation." His eyes fixed on the camcorder with intensity. "My name's Jason Todd. Long story short, I'm the badass of the family."

Tim snorted and Dick rolled his eyes. Stephanie snatched the camera back and made it face her as she said, "Jason's twenty two." At that moment the youngest Wayne entered the kitchen.

"Good morning Damian, someone over slept huh?" Dick said, being the wonderful big bro of the bunch as he greeted him.

Damian rubbed at his eye and mumbled something that sounded like, 'fuck off.'

"And last but not least, here's the youngest Wayne! Say hi to the camera Dami!" Stephanie beamed, turning the camera towards him.

Damian glared at her for using that nickname,"…You have three seconds to remove that idiotic device out of my face before I break it, Brown."

"Jeez! Okay, okay." She turned the camera towards her. Rolling her eyes she mumbled, "Someone's in a good mood today…I guess we'll get his info later." Steph pressed SAVED and turned off the camera. She then happily went back to eating her waffles.

Damian, on the other hand, was searching for his breakfast. "Sorry Lil' D. No more doughnuts, Jason ate the last one," Dick said, putting away his now empty bowl in the sink.

Damian batglared Jason. "Todd."

"You snooze you lose, kid." Jason licked the chocolate of the doughnut off his fingers as he returned Damian's glare with a satisfied smirk.

"Ah, and no more waffles either, Stephanie got the last three," Dick added.

Damian fixed his glare on Steph. "Brown."

"Early bird gets the worm, Dami," she hummed. Then she gulped audibly when his glare began to intensify, but she continued to eat her waffles anyway without an ounce of guilt.

Damian reached for the cereal box, just to find it empty. He slammed the box down and turned to Dick with a glare. "You've got to be kidding me! Grayson! That was the last box!"

"Oops, sorry, I would've saved you some if I knew you wanted some," Dick said, shrugging his shoulders, looking completely unapologetic.

Appalled, Damian whined, "Is there nothing left to eat?! Did you miserable excuses for human beings eat everything?!"

"There's plenty of oatmeal left…" Tim said, pointing to the box.

"Fuck oatmeal." Damian turned his batglare on Tim, the only one left in the room who wasn't a recipient of the batglare until now. Tim visibly shrank under the intensity. Damian closed his eyes slowly, then opened them, shook his head, grabbed an apple, and stormed off as he left the room.

"Well guys, ignoring the diva, I can already tell this is going to be so much fun!" Stephanie perked up.

**Thanks so much to my friend/beta Unnoticeable Person! (Attack hug again) You're awesome. **


	2. We're Brothers, It's Just What We Do

**Disclaimer: I own nothing!**

Ch.2 "We're Brothers, It's What We Do"

After breakfast, they each went to their respective rooms in order to change out of their pajamas. They came out of their room ready for whatever they had to do for the day. Stephanie was the last one to exit her room, and, wondering where the boys were, she began to look around.

Her eyes narrowed when she heard voices coming from the living room, and being taught by the best detective in the world, she deduced that her 'subjects', as she now labels them, were in that direction. Crouching low, she crept with all the stealth of being a protégé of Batman provided her.

Grinning, she spotted her quarry in the habitat known as the living room. Tentatively, she pressed down on the 'RECORD' button on her camera and began her observation. Zooming in, she captured Dick and Jason. They were both dressed in their normal attire, Dick wearing a blue collared shirt and old faded jeans, while Jason sported average dark jeans, black t-shirt, with his customary leather jacket.

At the moment, they were doing an admirable job of playing tug-a-war with the remote control to the television. Jason's expression was a mixture of petulant child wanting his favorite toy, and a killer debating if it would be worth it to spill some blood in order to get what he wanted, while Dick had the look of an entitled king enraged that a lowly commoner would dare take liberties with his royal scepter. Dick was also demonstrating his flexibility as he twisted his arm in what most would consider an alarming angle, and Jason reciprocated by forming a wrestling move.

Stephanie slowly turned her camera around the room and found Damian sitting on the floor, clutching a pencil in his hand, completely focused on drawing. As Jason and Dick got louder, Damian paused in his progress, turned his face to the two arguing brothers, and scowled. The last brother, Tim, was on a chair beside him, clicking away on his laptop, as usual, ignoring the fight ensuing between the two eldest.

Practically bursting in excitement Stephanie gave a goofy grin and said, "Guys! I'm filming so give me your best smile!"

Dick, not being one to deny a chance of a reflective surface to catch his shining image, immediately let go of the remote and looked up smiling. That left Jason, who was holding on to remote so tight that his knuckles turned white, with no other force to rival his, and thus lead to him flying backward, landing flat on his ass.

Still on the floor, Jason glared and exclaimed, "What the fuck, Dick!"

Dick was bent over in laughter. Wiping a fake tear from his eye, he said, "Oops. Sorry, Jaybird." Grinning, he teased, "At least you have the remote now, right?"  
Jason's only reply was to lunge at him, teeth bared in an animal snarl. Dick's smile remained as they renewed the fight with more vigor.

Seeing all of this unfold, Stephanie shook her head and rolled her eyes. "The camera loves you two," she mumbled sarcastically. Knowing that Jason and Dick were going to be occupied for a while yet, she sat down next to Damian on the floor. Curious, she turned the camera towards Damian's drawing. "What ya drawing, Damian?"

Damian looked up at her and growled. He put one hand over the lens and his other hand over his drawing. "None of your business, Brown. And why the sudden interest in recording us?"

"I already saw it was a cat, grumpy pants." Giving up for now, she stopped recording. She brightened when she answered him, "Oh yeah, you weren't here when I explained. I'm filming all of your behaviors for my psychology project."

Damian crossed his arms over his chest. "I never agreed to any of this. I did not sign a contract to give you permission to record me doing my daily activities. I could sue you for a breach in privacy rights."

Steph's smile grew into one that could dangerously rival the Joker's. "Thought you might say that." She whipped out her cell phone, scrolled down her contact list, and pressed the one listed as "Papa Bat." After a quick conversation, Stephanie put her cell phone away, her smile oozing triumph. With all the dignity of a six year old she said, "The big man says you HAVE to help me with my project so ha!" She finished by sticking out her tongue at him.

Damian glared. "I think not." He pulled out his cell and called Bruce. At the beginning of the conversation his face had a determined moue, but rapidly as the conversation went on and the response, "But father!" came out of Damian's mouth more and more, Damian began to frown with his brows scrunched together. Finally, Damian hung up his phone, his face now transformed into a pout and his shoulders sagged in defeat. He mustered enough energy for a batglare and he grumbled, "Mark my words Brown, this is not over."

Steph rolled her eyes. "So what did Bruce say?" She knew the answer but she wanted to hear him say it out loud.

"I am to help you with your asinine project," he huffed.

"Good." Satisfied, and with more hope, she began to record again. "Now as I was saying-" she turned to give a glare of her own to Damian, "before Damian rudely shoved the camera away-"she turned her attention back to the camera, "He's ten. And if he acts like he normally does; you'll see how he earned his nickname, 'demon brat'."

"T.t," Damian's usual line was heard.

"Oh! And guys I'm going to film you altogether, but you're also all going to get your own close ups." Steph said to all of them. Sometime when Damian was on the phone with Bruce, Jason and Dick stopped fighting with minimum blood spilled. They were now both sitting on the couch watching television.

They all nodded back in response, even Tim, as much as he was occupied, nodded absently.

"Well then, go on about your lives, act like I'm not even here!" She dived behind the couch, and propped her camera up on the arm of it.

While Jason was distracted, Dick seized the opportunity and snatched the remote from him. Dick gave a victorious, "Aha!" and changed the channel.

Jason looked mildly before his face morphed into stark horror. "Grayson, we are not watching 'My Little Pony!'"

Dick rolled his eyes. "Oh like Pimp My Motorcycle is any better? Besides, I already saw that episode. Spoiler alert: the guy gets a shiny new bike." His index finger gave a twirl. "Woo-hoo. Big deal."

With the peril of having to face the terror that is My Little Pony, Jason had no choice but to fight as if his life depended on it as he lunged at Dick for the second time that day.

Tim gave a frustrated sigh and closed his laptop. Giving an apologetic look to Stephanie, who was still behind the couch, he said, "Sorry Steph, I can't concentrate when these two over there are bickering like children. I'm going to my room." He stood up and left.

"So much for filming them together." Stephanie turned off the camera and stood up herself. She faced Dick and Jason with one finger pointed accusingly at them. "You guys made Tim leave!"

"It's not like any one wanted him here anyway," Damian pointed out.

"I heard that!" Tim called from the hallway.

"Excellent. Now you know to leave more often now!" Damian yells back.

At that, Tim came storming back in and began to argue with Damian. At his last straw, Tim said, "Listen you little shit-" and thus a verbal war began from the two.

Dumbfounded, Stephanie looked at the chaos before her. She set her camera down. Putting two fingers to her mouth, she did a high pitch whistle noise to get their attention. Sure enough, she got it.

They all stopped and stared. Jason was frozen mid-punch to Dicks face, and Tim's pointed finger rested inert on Damian's shirt.

Placing both hands on her hips she yelled, "Will you all stop fighting for a second! How am I supposed to film you guys when all you do is, fight, fight and fight!" She ran both hands through her hair. "I can't work with this madness!"

The brothers in question glanced at one another in a long pause, and then returned their attention back to Steph.

Shrugging Jason replied, "We're brothers, it's just what we do."

"Besides, weren't you the one who said we're supposed to act like ourselves?" Tim piped up.

Steph blinked and stared.

She opened her mouth. Closed it. Opened it again and said, "But not like- that's not…you- ugh whatever."

She composed herself and said, "Fine. Keep fighting like you're animals at the zoo. No comment. However, I do need some footage of you altogether, so I'd appreciate it if you guys did something together…that doesn't involve fighting or trying to kill each other."

"Isn't being forced to live under the same roof enough bonding time for you?" Tim complained.

"No! You all keep going your own way anyway, so go do something together!" Steph demanded.

"What the hell do you expect us to do? Cuddle?" Jason said sarcastically.

She messaged her forehead. "Do I have to do all the work? Something like playing videogames, go to the movie theaters, or bowling, go to the beach, or how about an amusement park? I dunno just go do something together!" she huffed, out of breath.

They stood in awkward silence for a moment, until Damian broke it with, "What's an amusement park? Is it a park where people go to get amused or some such?"

"I know what we're bonding over!" Dick said.

"Yes that'll be great footage! You guys will look normal!" Steph added. She rubbed her hands together in anticipation.

"I vote six flags!" Jason exclaimed with an enthusiasm that wasn't usual for him.

"No way! We're going to the happiest place on earth!" Dick decided with a tilt of his chin.

"Oh great. Just no little kid rides and..." Tim trailed off.

"Am I the only one who doesn't know what the hell is going on?!"Damian yelled over their chatter.

They all stopped talking and answered him in unison with, "Yes," before they continued their babbling.

"If we leave now, and take one of Bruce's jets, we can be there in forty minutes tops," Tim said reasonably.

Steph pointed out, "Not if we let Jason be the pilot. I bet he'll get us there in 20 minutes. Tops."

Jason smirked and tipped his head in acknowledgment.

Dick looked appalled. "He'll get us dead, with his flying."

"Only you, Grayson. And only if I push you out the air lock when we're flying. I suppose I can resist that urge for this little "bonding experience," Jason replied, eyes glinting.

…  
**Next chapter Disneyland. Thanks for the reviews! Thanks to my beta!**


	3. Disney part 1

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**!

Ch. 3 Disney Part 1

"I cannot believe we got banned from Disneyland," Dick said.

Dick was carrying Damian like he was a potato sack, tossed over his shoulder with Damian's head swinging back and forth as he walked. He either had fallen asleep due to the over excitement and overall chaos of the day, or due to the fact that he had eaten his weight in cotton candy and now the sugar had finally worn off. Dick was of the opinion that it was the latter.

"Well at least I got some great footage of us on the rides," Steph said, replaying what had happened on her camera. She grimaced as she noticed a particular scene. "And some not so great footage of us running away from security guards…"

~Earlier that day…~

Steph shoved the camera in her face and began to talk like she was a talk show host. "Hello once again, audience! We are here in line, a very long line, might I add, waiting to get into the happiest place on earth…Disneyland!"

Jason snatched the camera from Steph, much to her displeasure, and gave his regular smirk to the camera. "And may I add, we are very much alive with all of our body limbs intact and fully functional. No bleeding from any orifice that I can see. No lacerations. Not even so much as a paper cut. Completely and undeniably safe." He gave a pointed look to Dick, which Dick responded to with a roll of his eyes, and then continued to address the camera. Jason gestures to himself with an exaggerated wave of his hand. "All thanks to our star pilot who, by the way, got us here in record time, the badass of the family: Jason Todd."

Steph snatched the camera back from Jason the Camera Hog, as she now dubbed him.  
She flipped her hair back out of her face. "Anyway," she began, "Who's paying for all this? Cuz you know we're all broke…"she trailed off. When nothing met her question but silence, she tapped her foot and trained her camera on them. "Well boys?"

As if choreographed, they all universally took out there credit cards and said, with the exception of Jason, "Bruce is paying."

Jason snorted. "Glad you guys can depend on Daddy Warbucks to get anything you want."

Dick was fed up with Jason and his attitude. "Aw, jealous Jason? I bet you wish you had the money when you were homeless. Shivering in alleyways don't quite compare to a nice and warm mansion."

Jason's smirk never wavered, but his body tensed, and his eyes flashed with something dangerous. "I kept myself warm with the thought of blood and revenge. That's enough indulgence for me." He took a measured step forward and stared Dick down. "In fact, I'm thinking I can afford to be a little indulgent right now."

Suddenly, an employee in Mickey Mouse ears bumped into Jason. Jason broke eye contact with Dick and slowly turned. He gave the man a glower that would frighten the most seasoned of Navy Seals. The employee, however, seemed to lack the self-preservation instinct that came with most of the human population.

The employee brightened and said, "Helloooo visitor! Here are some coupons that will save you two dollars upon entry to the 'Blue Bayou!" He shoved the coupons in Jason's hands and, amazingly, was able to retreat with his hands still attached. "Enjoy!'" He darted off and continued to deliver the coupons to other unsuspecting people in line.

Jason crumpled the coupons, dropped them on the ground, and smashed them with his boot. Another employee, one who was picking up scattered trash, saw this and turned to glare at Jason. Feeling the glare, Jason turned his head to the side and unflinchingly stared right back at him. The employee attempted to hold his gaze, but fortunately, he was born with a heavy dose of self-preservation that the other employee proved absent of. The employee ducked his head and continued to clean up around him, backing more and more away from Jason as the moments passed.

Satisfied, Jason grabbed a case of cigarettes and a lighter from his pocket. He plucked one out of the case and lit it up. If other employees noticed, they were not brave enough to tell him that smoking was not allowed.

Moving on from that spectacle Tim said, "Technically this is emergency money…"

Dick blew out a breath of air and threw up his hands. "But this totally counts as an emergency, Timmy! Damian's never been."

"I'm just saying if Bruce asks I'm not going to be the one to explain it..."

"Aw come on Tim! Don't be such a boy scout! Bruce will understand. Damian needs some experience that's normal for a kid. You should understand that," Dick reasoned.

"What I understand is Bruce will kill us when he finds out. Because you know it will be when, not if, he finds out," Tim said, unmoving.

Dick sighed and pulled his trump card. "Ok, let me put it into terms you will accept. I'm the eldest. And more importantly, I'm bigger than you. Ergo, you will do as I say and have a fun time in the happiest place on earth."

Tim clenched his teeth and didn't dignify that with a response.

Steph turned the camera over in Damian's direction. He was shifting from foot to foot and his lips were pinched in annoyance.  
Steph ventured, "Excited Damian?"

"No," he replied, still squirming. "Is this line infinite? It seems as if we've been stuck here for hours! This is a torture devise unparalleled. If I wasn't being a participant I'd even be impressed. But the fact is I'm in this goddamn line. And the instinct to kill whoever is in front of me is getting more difficult to repress with each passing second."

Steph laughed. "Sure, I bet you're thrilled, but you're too damn stubborn to show it."

"T.t. I am not 'thrilled' to enter this idiotic amusement park known as 'Disneyland.'"

Steph grinned. "Uh-huh. If you're not excited, then why are you so impatient to get in? Why are you squirming so much? Hmm?" She pointed out.

Damian gave her a batglare in answer and tried to stop squirming. Unknown to Stephanie, was that Damian's problem was more biological instead of any desire to see the park. After Jason little joy ride, that could qualify as an amusement park attraction itself, Damian had the undeniable need to urinate. The fact that there is a large water fountain nearby is not making Damian's problem any less urgent.

"Don't worry Dami, we're almost to the front!" Dick assures.  
"Finally," Damian muttered.

They went through the gates and encountered a new world known as Disneyland. Colors in all shades greeted them and music suited for all ages blasted through the speakers. Laughing, screaming and tired families surrounded them, some wearing the merchandise of Disneyland, some not, but they all gave off the vibe of a tourist.

The first thing they did upon entry was to take out the giant Disney map they were given. Dick held one side while Jason held the other. While they were busy looking and discussing the many places located on the map, Damian had already spotted his salvation: the section where the bathrooms were located. He was gone in a blink, leaving the others to argue what ride to go on first.

"We're going on the Mad Hatter's Teacups first!" Steph proclaimed.

Jason groaned. "I am not going on a ride made for toddlers!"

"Me either," Tim said.

Jason looked him up and down. He smirked. "Why not? That ride seems to be up to your speed."

Tim reddened and was about to argue when Steph intervened with, "We're not here for you guys, we're here for Damian. Besides, we're gonna start off on the easy rides and work ourselves up to the awesomer ones, like the Tower of Terror!" She held up her camera, extended her other hand, and exclaimed, "Onward!"

Decided, they started to walk. Half way there, Dick was the first to realize Damian was absent from the group. He glanced around. "Umm guys, where's Damian?"

The others stopped walking and their eyes darted from one face to the other. Realization slammed into their faces one by one.

They started to look around frantically, calling Damian's name, except for Tim. Tim wasn't particularly devastated that they were missing Damian.

Jason summed up the situation while being his articulate and eloquent self. "Well shit."

Stephanie smacked her palm on her face. "We were in the park for like ten minutes…" She dropped her hand and lifted her face to them. "How'd we lose him?!"

Tim sighed and decided it looked like he needed to be the voice of reason as usual. "Guys, just call his cell phone."

Dick gave a relieved smile. "Oh yeah! This is why you're the genius in the family."

After a couple minutes of calling and getting no answer, they began to lose hope. That's when Steph groaned and said, "Ugh, I just remembered, when he called Bruce back at the manor he put his cell phone on the coffee table. I think he forgot it there."

They all looked at her, their faces in equal stages of horror.

Jason was the first to speak after Steph dropped that bomb of information. "That's just great. Our last words will be, 'Bruce, don't get pissed, but we lost your son at Disneyland in less than ten minutes.'" He gave a bitter chuckle. "R.I.P. Irresponsible Robins. And the 'P' will stand for pieces, just to clarify that for you all."

Dick was not amused. "No one is going to die, because no one is telling Bruce, and because we are going to find him!" Steph perked up at that.

"Alright guys split up! I'm taking Timmy," Dick said, fully immersed in battle commander mode. He pointed to Jason and Stephanie. "You two go look for Damian that way. We'll look over there." He pointed in a direction to the left. "We'll meet up at the teacups in an hour. If one of us finds him sooner, we'll call each other."

"Sir, yes sir!" Stephanie saluted him. Then she grabbed Jason's arm and started dragging him through the park.

…  
Meanwhile, after a particularly satisfying bathroom break…

Damian walked back to the spot where they were, just to find an arguing family that wasn't his. He looked around, trying to spot them. "Son of a… where the fuck did they go?" He placed his hand on his chin.

"I was gone for like a second…I can't believe they left me!"

After a moment he sighed. "Guess I'll just call them…" He dug in his pocket and found only his wallet. He made a face. "Damn it."

Damian stated to sort through his memories and came to the conclusion, "I left my phone at the manor. Fuck. This is Drake's fault! If he never started to argue with me, then I would not have gotten distracted, and I wouldn't have forgotten my cell!" He shook his head. "I suppose they'll be lost without me. I might as well go find them before they go and do something stupid." With that resolved, Damian went to search for them.

Meanwhile, a diligent search party commences…

After twenty minutes of yelling "Damian!" Stephanie and Jason gave up. Well, the more precise explanation would be Stephanie gave up. Jason, on the other hand, was hardly trying. He was more like to open his mouth to complain about being dragged around then anything concerning Damian.

Stephanie threw up her hands. "I give up."

Jason glanced at her. "Already? And you were so determined just a minute ago, promising 'I will search for Damian until my legs fall off, until my vocal cords are shredded, until there is no more air left to breathe in this world.' It was very inspiring in a totally unnecessarily dramatic way. And then you just say you give up."

She shrugged her shoulders. "It's easy to say that when my throat wasn't burning like one of hell's volcanoes. I'm tired of shouting…"She narrowed her eyes at him. "It's not like you were helping. You did nothing but complain the whole time." She gave a small smile. "Plus I hear there's a SPA here, so I'm going to check that out. Wanna come with? You look like you could use a mani-pedi, "she joked.

Jason made a face. "No thanks. I'll pass. Last time I got one of those, I was passed out drunk," Jason said.

Stephanie looked confused, so he explained, "Roy's idea. He thought it'd be fun to have Kori give me…" he stopped as he realized what he was saying. "You know what? Never mind. I'm going to flirt with princesses. Underpaid and underappreciated make for easy pickings. Later."

She laughed as he walked away. "Your roommates sound awesome!"

Meanwhile, the son of the bat was…

Damian assumed from a higher altitude he'd be able to spot them, and the closest ride with high altitude, unfortunately for him, was named the 'Dumbo ride.' The ride was comprised of small statue elephants that the visitor would sit in. The elephants would then spin around and around, going up and down at timed intervals. And the elephant in question had abnormally long ears that Damian could only think of as some kind of mutation. And the line was just as long as the aberration's ears.

Damian thought that with the situation being what it is, he decided to skip everyone. He was getting an assortment of curses and dirty looks from various people in line, and being labeled the accursed name, 'line jumper.' Damian cleverly kept telling the angry mob that his older brother was waiting for him in the front. At the front he gave one black haired man a hundred bucks, fifty to let him cut, fifty for letting him pretend he was his brother. It's not like Damian's father is going to miss the money. They are rich, after all.

…..

Meanwhile, the badass of the family was…

Jason was sauntering down to where the majority of the Disney characters were, or more accurately, the people who were paid to act like Disney characters were.

His gaze zeroed in on a girl in a yellow dress who was bending down to pick up a book she just dropped. Jason decided he liked what he saw.

Jason tried to rack his brain for far-away childhood memories of Disney movies. He was pretty certain that this princess was 'Belle.'

He searched around for what he could work with. Spotting someone selling roses, he went to the stand and bought a single red rose. Now armed and prepared, he made his way to the 'princess.' Plastering his usual smirk on his face, he strode forward purposely.

She was sitting on the bench, reading the book she dropped earlier. She was an adequate representation of the princess she was trying to impersonate: Long brown hair (that could be real or just a wig), pale skin, brown eyes, a coating of red lipstick on her lips to get that unnatural Disney look.  
He stopped when he was a foot away from her and said, "Excuse me?"

'Belle' stopped looking at her book and gave her full attention to Jason. "Yes? Can I help you?"

Jason nodded solemnly. "Help me? I very much hope so. You see, I have a problem. Many years ago this evil witch cast a spell on me. She said that I will only find love with the person who accepts a rose from my hand. Unfortunately, I have had no success in my affections thus far. I was about ready to give up." He gave small smile. "However, when I saw you, reading on this very bench, I have begun to hope that maybe, just maybe, I can take a chance to be able to find love." He brought a rose up to her face. "Would you free me from this curse, my beauty?"

Now, this 'Belle' was a seasoned member of the Disneyland employee roster, and because of this, she has experienced so many cheesy lines and come-ons that she could probably work at a strip bar and feel less sleazy. However, with this guy, she could tell he was joking. He knew how cheesy the story was. And while his particular come-on was not original, it was also not one of the common ones. The fact that he went so far as to buy a rose to complete his act gave it a little more charm than others. Plus, on a completely shallow level, he was attractive. The leather jacket accentuated his physique and his black jeans hugged in all the right places. His dark eyes seemed very wicked and intense as he stared at her, waiting for a response.

"What kind of princess would I be if I let you suffer any longer?" She said, and took the rose gently.

Jason gave a mock bow. "Thank you, my lady. You honor me beyond measure. I am quite beastly, I'm sure we'll get along well." He smirked. He leaned forward to steal a kiss, but someone, in a costume Jason perceived as a Yeti, grabbed his arm.

"Get your own princess. I waited years and suffered talking inanimate objects, awkward trips to the bathroom, identify issues, and shedding. I need to break this curse. This one is MINE," he growled.

Jason glared. "You've got three seconds to let go of my arm before I put a leash on you and make you my bitch. I gave you two more seconds to think than necessary because you look kind of slow."

More than a little pissed off, the 'Yeti' yanked Jason's arm more, and Jason deemed the three second grace period was over. Lighting fast, Jason twisted out of his grip and slammed his foot into the 'Yeti's solar plexus. The beast gave a howl and collapsed to the floor in a ball, whimpering.

While down, Jason pulled the mask off the beast's face and revealed the pathetic employee underneath. Pimples covered a face that looked to be in the early twenties. Sweat covered his brow and tears were streaming down his face. Jason dropped the 'Yeti' head down and looked away disgusted.

He looked at 'Belle,' and saw that she was entranced, clutching the rose he gave her tightly. She didn't look away once from Jason. He smirked and asked, "You on break? Wanna get out of here and get some overpriced tourist food?"

Before she could reply, some other Disney characters approached as back up to their fallen comrade-in-impersonation.

The person wearing the character 'Woody' appeared to be their designated leader as he said, "Hold on there, partner. You'll be coming with us to await court justice. We suffer no law breakers in my town."

Jason could not believe this. He decided to try to talk to them on their level. Fire with fire. Disney with Disney. "You realize that your name is Woody right? And the name of your movie is 'Toy Story?' Could the euphemism be any more obvious?" He shakes his head and scoffs, "And 'Beauty and the Beast' is practically Stockholm syndrome mixed with a not-so-healthy dose of bestiality. Disney sure is promoting those family values, huh?"

'Woody' pretended to roll up imaginary sleeves. "Alright. You have said enough. Now, if you come quietly, you will be treated with the utmost care-"

"Utmost care?" Jason cut off. "Isn't that what your owner did before he abandoned you liked yesterday's trash? Oh, wait a minute, first he gave you to his sister like you were a two-bit whore, than he practically sold you into slavery when you went to that daycare with those monster kids. Then you finally settled into pasture with a new home, starting the cycle of abuse and abandonment all over again. Poor, poor, Woody," Jason mocked.

Jason imagined that under the suit, the person who plays 'Woody' is getting redder and redder as each word left his mouth. Jason thought these people were taking their roles to scary extremes.

'Buzz Lightyear' came to stand next to 'Woody.' 'Woody' said, "Since you seem intent on being a law breaking fool, you leave me no choice. He nodded to 'Buzz.' 'Buzz' cracked his knuckles and walked toward Jason.

Jason laughed. "Damn. Can't do anything without your bitch, even in reality, Woody? Fine. Bring it on, you mockery of an astronaut. I'll blast you to infinity and beyond asshole."

…..

Meanwhile, two bats were…

Tim's jaw was dropped in utter and complete shock. "Oh. My. God." He was shaking his head back and forth so fast his face was a blur. "No way. Is that Damian on the Dumbo ride?!" Tim said, while pointing to a flying Dumbo wearing a blue hat.

Dick's worried expression was replaced with his usual smile when they found Damian. With no trace of the worry that plagued him before, he said, "I'm so glad I brought a camera!" He zoomed in, pressed a button, and the camera flashed. Dick looked at the resulting image and gave a nod of approval.

Over his initial shock, Tim smiled wickedly. "I'm never going to let him live this down."

Dick pulled out his cell phone. "Hey Steph, we found him! He's ok. "

Meanwhile, the lone female robin was…

Stephanie was relaxing in one of the SPA's comfy sofa chairs, letting her nails dry, when she got a call from Dick.

"Hello?" Steph answered, nonchalant.

"Hey Steph, we found him! He's ok. Come over with Jason. Meet you at the teacups! You'll never believe where we found him! Hurry." Dick hung up.

She stared at her phone a minute, wondering briefly if she should be ashamed that she barely remembered the name Damian in her relaxed state, let alone that she was supposed to be looking for him. In the end she just shrugged, deciding that if Damian was alright she shouldn't suffer in any guilt over giving herself some alone time.

She got up, and smiled while looking at her nails. "Yup Bruce. This manicure you're paying for. It was definitely an emergency."

Now if only she could find Jason…

The Batclan Reunited…

"I can't believe I had to ruin a perfect manicure just because you couldn't stay out of a damn fight!" Stephanie shouted at Jason, not for the first time, while they walked toward the group.

"Oh boo-hoo. So you broke a nail. Get over it. At least you don't have Disney characters trying to assassinate you!" Jason sniped.

"I don't usually complain about broken nails, but damn it, I wasted money and my time for nothing! Besides, who the heck is afraid of Mickey Mouse?!" Steph continued arguing with him.

Dick turned to Tim. "I don't think we should ask."

Tim nodded. "Agreed."  
…..

**End of Part One!**

**Thank you for the reviews and thank you 'Unnoticeable Person'! (She wrote the majority of Jason's parts so she gets the credit for that!)**


	4. Around, Around

**Ch. 4 Around and Around**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**Author's Note: This chapter's a bit short cause it was cut in half, enjoy :)**

…

Perhaps it was the combination of the unbearable heat, the incessant whining of children, and the chirpy music that wouldn't cease that caused Jason and Stephanie's anger to escalate to a level that fists would fly if allowed to continue any further. Somehow, Tim got recruited to arbitrate the quarreling robins, but unfortunately, he only managed to get them even more irritated.

Meanwhile, Dick had the dubious task of getting all of them in line for the teacup ride. He looked at them: Stephanie pointing an accusing finger in Jason's direction, shouting something about chipped paint, Jason with his arms crossed over his chest and a glare that could blow up a small town, and Tim wiping his brow of sweat while trying to get them to come to a reasonable resolution.

Dick tilted his head to the sky and pleaded a silent _'why me?'_ to himself and sighed.

Finding a brief pause, as they were all about to take another breath to resume their argument, Dick broke in with, "If you two are going to argue, do it while we wait in line."

In a miracle, they all got in line in peace until Jason started again with, "Tim, tell this idiot she's over reacting!"

Steph waved her hand in front of Jason's face. "Overreacting? Instead of the lovely shade that my hard earned cash bought, I got blood encrusted on them!"

"Hard earned cash? Are you fucking kidding me? You're using Bruce's money!" Jason said.

"Which Bruce has hard earned!" Stephanie fumed. She turned to Tim, hands on her hips. "Tim, tell Jason he owes me an apology for ruining my manicure!"

Jason rolled his eyes. "Well excuse me princess, I don't remember asking you to stop that fight!"

She turned back to Jason. "What was I supposed to do? Get my camera out and record you while you kill Disney characters!? The little kids crying sure would've made great background music!" Steph said sarcastically.

Tim's eyes darted back and forth between the two. His shirt was heavy with sweat and his hair stuck to his head like a helmet. He threw up his arms in exasperation, glanced over at Dick, and telegraphed a SOS signal with his eyes. The signal was not received due to Dick being busy lecturing Damian about 'running off without telling someone,' which left Tim stuck alone in his own circle of hell.

Stephanie shook Tim's shoulders and yelled, "Tim! Are you even listening?!"

He pushed her back and rubbed his ear. "Ouch. Now I'm not."

Realizing that they were now focused on him, and, seizing his only chance, Tim blurted out the quickest thing that came to his mind to dissuade them from arguing any further. "Damian went on the Dumbo ride!"

Sure enough, that brought their arguing to a halt, and both their jaws were now on equal level with the floor.

"What? No way!" Steph said when the entirety of Tim's statement sunk in.

"As if the brat would be caught dead on that ride," Jason followed.

By now, Tim had yanked away Dick's camera and proudly presented the picture with a smirk.

Both Jason and Stephanie leaned in to get a better look, and busted out laughing when they saw a determined expression on Damian's face, clutching the rail on the long eared elephant statue.

"Aw he looks so cute," Stephanie said between laughs.

"He is sitting on a mutant elephant going up and down in circles and he has a look on his face as if he's looking through a sniper scope," Jason put in, body shaking and his smirk firmly in place.

Damian's face turned beat red, but that did not deter him from sending a very potent batglare to Jason. Embarrassed, Damian decided to take his anger out on the unlucky person closest within range: Tim.

Tim, at the time was basking in his victory of stopping Steph and Jason from fighting, and thus was caught completely off guard when Damian inflicted damage in the most lethal way possible to any male.

Damian swung his foot out and found his target between Tim's legs.

Tim's eyes went wide and he fell down. He curled in a ball with his hands clutched between his legs, and made a sound that could not be mistaken as anything else but a sob.

"Damian!" Dick barked, obviously not pleased.

"I already told you I only went on that stupid ride for high altitude to find you idiots!" Damian exclaimed.

"Going. To. Kill. You," Tim hissed in pain, still on the floor, struggling to get up.

Now practically everyone standing in line with them had their eyes on the 'family.' Some were even whispering about the scene, saying how glad that their children would never cause such a scene.

One particular parent in front of the bat family was failing to be discreet in his disgust and annoyance. Jason saw this and leveled his stare at the nosy civilian. "What the hell are you looking at?! Haven't you ever been kicked in the balls before? No? Let me demonstrate and maybe you'll get that look off your face." Seeing that Jason was completely serious and completely insane, the civilian grabbed his son's hand and hurriedly walked away from his place in line, consoling his son that they will go on the ride later.

"Oh, will you look at that! It's our turn already!" Steph piped up awkwardly. The fact that most people in front of them parted away from the bat family like they had the plague had nothing to do with it, honestly.

She dragged Tim, who was still having some difficulties getting up. Everyone else followed.

The tea cups were all brightly colored because, when in Disney, everything is colorful. They all crammed into the blue teacup and the ride began.

There was a wheel in the middle to make the cup turn faster. Steph turned on the camera and began recording. Damian and Dick latched onto the wheel and spun it around both of them, making a steady rhythm. Jason pulled out another cigarette and tried to smoke it. Tim was sweating, still bent over, and glaring murderously at Damian. Damian was laughing crazily as if he was the Tasmanian Devil incarnate himself, grinning wildly as the cup spun faster and faster.

Dick, however, noticed Tim's glares at Damian, so he let go of the wheel and said, "Damian, apologize to Tim!"

"T.t," Damian said, ignoring him, twisting the wheel by himself.

Steph turned the camera towards Jason, who was sitting next to her and Damian. He was busy cursing out other people on the teacups that kept staring at him, twisting and turning his body with the tea cup in order to flip them off. Apparently, smoking wasn't allowed.

"Happiest place on earth my ass," Steph grumbled, turning off the camera. She thought that it's still a bit early, so maybe the day will get better. "Hey I know what's bringing us down, this stupid heat! Let's go on Splash Mountain next!" Steph said with a grin.

Tim paused in trying to incinerate Damian with his eyes. He gave her a thoughtful look. "Wow, you finally have a good idea."

She puffed out a breath." What the? What do you mean finally!? You know what? Never mind," Stephanie said. She decided to let that one go, after all, she could always get him back later. They 'enjoyed' the rest of the ride in silence.

…**.**

**Review and we might post the next chapter faster x)**


	5. Ice cream, You scream

**Disclaimer: I own nothing Disney or Dc comics related!**

**ENJOY**

**Ch. 5 Ice Cream, You Scream**

After many arguments about directions, the family finally reached their destination: Splash Mountain, or to the line to Splash Mountain, as it seems.

They all stared, dumbfounded.

"Whoa, now that's what you call a long line," Dick said, echoing what everyone else was thinking, though without the many curses some of the others were undoubtedly shouting in their mind. The people were flowing out of the built-in rails made to indicate where the line started. Some were even sitting on the ground, not a great sign that the line was moving quickly.

Steph turned toward the group and held up a hand. "I vote for Tim to wait in line while we go get ice cream."

"I second that," Damian quickly said.

Jason looked amused. "Well, look at that. Brown had another good idea in a single day. That has to be some sort of record."

Tim was standing slack jawed, not quite believing that he was going to get saddled with being reduced to waiting in a line that would take hours without even having the comfort of knowing that the others would be in the same misery.

He turned to Stephanie, eyes wide and panicked. "No way! You wait in line!"

She smiled innocently and patted his head. "Sorry Timmy, three against one." She pulled up the hand that she had just patted Tim with. Seeing the sweat, she made a face, wiping her hand on her pants.

Dick gave Tim an apologetic look. "I'd wait here with you, but from now on I'm not taking my eyes off Damian, so…" He was already pushing the trio away.

Steph turned and gave a parting grin. "We'll bring ya back some ice cream!"

Tim was left under his little rain cloud of doom, inwardly cursing vehemently at them while they walked away.

He sighed, turned to take his place in line for a very long wait, only to be pushed aside as a family barreled past to get in front of him. He grimaced and thought that the ice cream better be the best ice cream in the world if he had to endure this.

After walking around aimlessly for about fifteen minutes, they finally found an overly priced, absurdly crowded ice cream stand.

Dick's shoulders slumped. "Looks like we have to wait for ice cream too."

_When faced with the same dilemma the solution is often easier to come by the second time it happens,_ Jason thought. And with a cheeky grin, he said, "I vote Dick!"

Stephanie grinned, raised her hand, and forcefully raised Damian's too. Damian scowled and tugged at his hand.

Jason smirked. "Three against one. In democratic terms, that means you're the lucky one to get elected as designated Ice Cream Waiter. It's a real honor. I'm sure you'll uphold your duty and make the good people who elected you to such a high position proud." He mock saluted him and walked away.

"JASON!" Dick yelled.

Jason called back over his shoulder, "Better watch out . Don't want to be known as a dictator in your time of service do you?" Jason laughed.

Steph giggled and followed after Jason, dragging Damian along. She suddenly came to halt, turned around and said to Dick, "Get us chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla!" and turned back around, walking quickly to catch up to Jason.

With the backs of their heads getting further away, Dick managed to spit out, "Wait a minute!" When he got no response he called out louder, "Damn it! Guys, at least watch Damian this time!" As he settled into the line to wait, the only thought running through his head was that he hoped that they wouldn't mange to get into too much mayhem, but knowing those three, he was probably hoping for the impossible.

….

The three robins, all of whom at one point in time or another had the not-quite-pleasant experience of being in a state of death, were walking with the carefree swagger of those of having successfully dodged a metaphorical bullet.

"Glad we ditched the goody two shoes," Jason remarked.

Damian, having successfully gained his arm back from the clutches of Stephanie, said distastefully, "Brown's still here."

Jason gave Steph what he thought of as a dazzling smile, but others thought of as borderline serial killer. "Hey Steph. Why don't you go into that store and get us some of those cheesy tourist souvenirs?"

Steph gave him her I-know-you're-full-of-bullshit look. "Ha. Ha. Not funny. Besides, you really think I'd leave YOU in charge of him?" She shook her head. "You'd probably get him drunk by the time I got out of the store."

Jason's smile melted and in place his nose crinkled and his lip curled in disgust. "This damn place doesn't serve alcohol. Believe me, I checked, which is horrifying if you think about it, because the only way to survive the ride 'It's a Small World' is if you have some kind of substance in you to override your senses."

Steph rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Come on, Damian," Steph said with a gesture to Damian to follow her, learning from experience that he would bite her hand the next time she attempted to grab him. She smiled and got a far-away look as she said to him, "Ever tried cotton candy?"

Damian gave her a flat look. "No. but it sounds disgusting. What kind of imbecile would eat cotton?" he said as they walked away from Jason.

"Fine! Leave! Like I care! I'm used to it by now!" said Jason.

Jason was interrupted in his tantrum by someone shouting, "Hey! It's the guy who beat up Norman!"

Jason looked around for the person making the accusation and found a girl dressed as a gypsy exaggeratingly pointing at him.

Jason blinked and ran through what she said. _Norman? Who the hell is…_

The guy next to her was dressed in saggy pants that looked like two dirty pillowcases sewed together, a purple vest, which left his chest bare, and was barefoot. He also had a little had perched on his head. The guy's look was grim when he said, "I'm calling Woody over right now."

Jason froze. He murmured, "Shit. Guess the Yeti has friends. Man, they must gossip like old women here." His eyes darted to possible places to avoid confrontation, not that he didn't doubt that he would come out on top in a fight, but getting kicked out of the park wasn't on his to-do list. His eyes locked on the store he mocked Steph about earlier, and made his way in.

The store was small. It was cluttered and filled with nothing but Disney merchandise and cheery music filled the speakers. He suddenly debated whether facing an army of Disney impersonators would be better than staying in the store a second longer, but ultimately dismissed it a moment later. If he had a fight, there was a high chance that Steph would somehow stumble upon it, and he had enough of her bitching about her nails to last a lifetime.

And to avoid a confrontation, he would have to make an effort to blend in. He scanned the racks for something less cringe-worthy, but found no results that would prove any less unsavory. He sighed, resolving himself on losing some major 'I'm a badass' points, but then his eyes caught on a brown shirt in the back of the rack, and he smiled. It was a 'Pinocchio' shirt with the character on it and it read: 'It's not a LIE if you believe it.' He snatched it off the hanger and went about looking for pants, but only found clothing for the upper body and underwear that almost made his eyes bleed. He ended up deciding that his black jeans were common enough and that searching for new pants wouldn't be necessary. To hide his face, his gaze ran across the shelves for something to cover his head with. After many visors and hats in various colors, his eyes snagged on an odd hat, at least he thought it was a hat. It looked like a stuffed animal who got beheaded. It was a head of some blue koala, no doubt some Disney character. The hat was worn over the head like a beanie, the rim of the hat was a circle of teeth, and the blue koala's ears flopped about like the elephant statues on the Dumbo ride. It was completely ridiculous, but it could be pulled over ones head without him looking like a potential bank robber, which was just the thing he needed. He grabbed the hat and began to make his way to the cash register since stealing would be non-productive in his endeavor to not piss off Disneyland employees.

There was a couple in front of him buying a set of t-shirts, one shirt read 'SOUL' with Mickey Mouse ears on the 'O', while the other shirt read 'MATE' with a Minnie Mouse bow on top of the 'A.' He had to fight the urge to vomit. He did not; however, fight the urge to roll his eyes.

The couple left hand in hand, and he placed the 'Pinocchio' shirt and the koala hat on the counter. He grabbed at a wallet that was most defiantly not his. He smirked. Like it was his fault that Dick can't keep track of what's in his pants.

Jason fished out a fifty. He looked up at the cashier to give him the money and Jason's eyes widened. Before, he only paid attention to the nauseatingly sweet couple that was holding him up in line, but he never even looked at the cashier until now.

The cashier had on Mickey Mouse ears, a white t-shirt, a red clip-on bowtie, and yellow suspenders. He also had on enormous Mickey Mouse sunglasses, much too big for his face. They were the size of two side way mirrors on a car. There is no way that this could possibly be the standard uniform for employees outside of being an impersonator, and if it is, then Jason had to give Disneyland his respect of inventing ways of torture that he himself had never thought of.

Lost in his thoughts, he barely felt the bill leave his hand as the employee pushed some buttons on the cash register. His eyes wouldn't leave the huge glasses on the guy's face. A light bulb went off went in his head and he absently grabbed some sunglasses that were on display by the register, and said, "Yeah, these too." The employee nodded and swiped the glasses along the scanner. Nobody would recognize him with these, and if they did, they'd be dead a heartbeat later.

"That'd be fifteen more dollars sir," said the employee.

He rolled his eyes. This is legal robbery. At least criminals in Gotham were honest that they were stealing.

He gave him a twenty and the employee set the bag with his purchases on the counter.

Jason stripped out of his leather jacket. Then he started to pull up his black t-shirt. "Uh, sir? Please refrain from indecent exposure. I don't want to call security," the cashier said nervously.

Jason, shirt now off, gave him a smirk. "No need." He pulled the 'Pinocchio' shirt from the bag and held it up. "I was just so excited to try on my new shirt." The irony of having said that when he was about to put on a 'Pinocchio' shirt was not lost on him.

He gave his jacket and shirt to the employee. The employee looked at him quizzically. Jason said, "I'm sure the ears, bowtie, and suspenders make all the mouse girls go wild, but trust me, if you really want this to be the happiest place on Earth, you will take these, wear them, and loose the damn sunglasses."

A flash of a camera interrupted them and Jason turned his head to see where it came from.  
A girl, no older than seventeen, was standing a few feet away with her camera pointed at Jason, or, more notably, Jason and his naked chest. He smirked, turned to the cashier, raised an eyebrow and said, "Trust me."

He put on the 'Pinocchio' shirt, earning a noise of disappointment from his teenaged audience. Seeing that putting on the koala hat and over large sunglasses would lose the effect, he swiped the bag and strode out of the store.

Once outside, he put on the hat and sunglasses. Jason inhaled, then exhaled and made sure to try to avoid any reflective surfaces that would show him what type of image he made.

….

Steph watched Damian devour the cloud of sugary sweetness with an expression between amusement and concern. They were walking back to the ice cream stand, side by side. The cotton candy he was currently occupied with was pink, while the empty stick he now had in his other hand was once a blue one.

She stated, "That's your third cotton candy." When he didn't respond or even look at her during his chomping, she added, "I dunno if it's a good idea to give you this much sugar…"

At that, Damian stopped and glared at her. Unfortunately for him, the potency of the glare was diminished by the assortment of sugar plastered across his face. "Brown, I am more than capable of handling my sugar intakes, so quit your fussing." He resumed eating the cotton candy.

She hesitated before saying, "Well…okay." She shrugged, thinking, _Psh, what's the worst that could happen?_

She turned her gaze forward and spotted a familiar face. She broke into a smile. "Oh look, there's Dick!" She waved to Dick, who was busy juggling melting ice scream.

Damian, who paused in his quest to conquer a sugar mountain, questioned, "Who's that?"

Steph looked to where he was staring and saw a ridiculous looking tourist next to Dick, who looked like he was trying to either help or steal the ice cream from him.

She blinked and bent over, laughing. "That's"- She nearly choked and tried to continue, "Not a"- The giggles wouldn't stop. She took one deep breath and finished, -"tourist." Oh this was just perfect. Steph grabbed her camera, knowing that this definitely warranted a Kodak moment. No way was she going to miss recording this. She shouted, "Nice make over, Jason!"

At his name, Jason's face jerked up in her direction. He swore and glared, or, she thought he did. She couldn't see his face with the huge glasses and the 'Stitch' hat he had on.

"Not. A. Fucking. Word," he said through gritted teeth as he and Dick joined Steph and Damian. "Can't you see I'm avoiding Disney characters?"

Camera still trained on him, she laughed. "With that getup, you'll end up attracting even more." She zoomed in on him in all his touristy glory, while grabbing a dripping strawberry ice cream cone from Dick's hand.

Dick gave her a relieved smile, but then he gave Jason an accusing look. "Jason, how'd you pay for that? I swear, if you stole it-" Noticing the ice cream about to fall, he gave one to Damian, who now had both hands free since the cotton candy was gone and he disposed of the sticks in a nearby trashcan. Damian looked at the vanilla ice cream with his nose turned up. Apparently, no other food that contains sugar could ever compare to cotton candy now. He passed Damian another ice cream. "And can you hold this for me for a minute? Thanks," Dick said, thankfully getting rid of handling Tim's ice cream.

Jason rolled his eyes under the sunglasses. "Please. I'm not trying to add to my criminal record. I'm not an idiot."

Dick visibly relaxed and finally handed Jason his chocolate ice cream.

Jason grabbed it and gave it one long lick. He gave Dick a rare, genuine grin when he said, "I used your money."

Dick's relaxed state lasted exactly three seconds. "How? I never gave you any!"

Jason licked the ice cream again and answered, "Yeah, and you never gave me your wallet either."

Dick's shoulders tensed. With his free hand he checked his pocket and, amazingly, found his wallet gone. His mouth fell open in shock and he dropped his ice cream. Hearing the splat, he watched forlornly at the prize he won by waiting in that hellishly long line reduce to milk and sugar melting on the pavement. He turned to the one person he can blame for all his recent troubles. He growled, "Jason!"

"Todd can't help being a dirty street kid," Damian said.

Jason's smile dissolved and he took off his ridiculous sunglasses. He stared Damian down and said, "Just like you can't help but be a little hell spawn birthed from a test tube."

Knowing that if she doesn't intervene they would escalate into a fight, Steph broke in with, "Okay! That's enough footage!" Stephanie turned off her camera and crammed it into her bag. "Turning it off before there's any footage of child abuse," she muttered to herself.

She was ignored and, sure enough, Damian launched at Jason, but overprotective Dick caught him mid-leap. He pushed Jason back and snarled, "Jason! Quit it!"

Damian tried to wrestle out of Dick's grip, but Dick held on to the collar of his shirt. He exclaimed, "Damian don't!" After a moment, Damian stopped struggling.

Dick sighed, feeling that today's events had already aged him ten years. He doesn't know how Bruce does it. Although the answer is probably simple: He's Batman.

Damian suddenly broke free and jabbed both his ice cream and Tim's in Jason's shirt like dual swords. Jason retaliated by smashing his own ice cream into Damian's hair.

Trying to gain control of the situation, Dick said, "Alright, I'm going to count to three before I call Bruce and cancel this trip right now."

Steph rolled her eyes and muttered the one word that girls have been saying in frustration for generations. "Boys."

…

The lone robin was sweating profusely; despite the shade the trees provided surrounding the wait line. He was near the front when he spotted them. He mustered up a glare that even had Damian take a step back. "There you are! Did it really take you that long to buy the ice cream?!" His shirt was completely soaked through with sweat and he probably smelled like a locker room if the way the people were trying to politely stand a few paces back from him were any indication. His irritation faltered when he saw Jason.

Tim's eyes widened. "And what on Earth are you wearing…" he trailed off, not believing his eyes. Maybe the heat had finally begun to mess with his vision.

Jason, sunglasses back on his face, scoffed, "Like you should talk, Swan Queen. And unlike you, who actually wears that sorry excuse for a costume of his own free will, under no coercion, this is a necessary sacrifice for me to avoid situations."

Tim was about to reply but Dick interrupted with, "Sorry we so took long Tim, but-"

Jason cut him off. "The line was as long as the fucking Nile River. We must have been standing in the heat for hours!" he exaggerated, even though he wasn't the one who waited in line. Dick sent him a glare.

Tim himself had a grueling experience of line waiting in the heat and he was gratified to know that he wasn't the only one suffering. Still irritated, he said, "Fine, where's my ice cream?"

Dick rubbed at his neck and looked sheepish.

Steph stepped in front of Tim and smiled nervously. "Oh. That. Funny story. Well, you see, most of it is in Damian's hair and a little's on Jason's shirt," the blonde bat explained. At a sudden thought, she smirked and said, "You can lick it from them if you want."

Tim's glare intensified. "You. Destroyed. My. Ice. CREAM?!" He gave them the mother of all glares: the super ultra batglare.

To his credit, did not tremble in its wake. "Hey! Damian's the one who stabbed Jason with it! BUT! I saved you the best part!" Dick laughed awkwardly, and with a sweep of his hand, presented Tim with the now empty cone.

There was silence before Tim replied, "Really, Dick? The cone?" Tim gave him a look that can only be translated to: 'are you freaking kidding me?'

His hands started to shake. He put his hands into fists and they stopped. "I think the whole point of ice cream, is the, oh I don't know…" Tim tapped his chin in mock contemplation, then snapped, "The ICE CREAM PART?!"

Jason couldn't believe that Tim was flying over the handle over ice cream, of all things. "Fuck man, calm the hell down. Even Damian doesn't get this bratty. Suck it up. Look, it's our turn."

Dick, seeing that Tim didn't want anything to do with the perfectly good ice cream cone, opened his mouth and chomped, devouring it whole in one bite.

…  
The bats stared at the craft that would be their mode of transportation for the ride. It was a long carved out log, made to seat five people, resting on about one foot of water. Everyone, feeling that Tim was already pissed off enough, gave him what most would consider the best seat: the first one up front.

Dick and Jason bickered for the second seat. "Hey, I was the second robin, so I get second seat, that's just how it is."

Dick rolled his eyes. "With that childish logic, that would mean I get first seat."

Jason smirked. "Yeah, but you already gave up that claim when you agreed to let Tim have it. You have no such claim on _my _seat."

"I make the decisions first before all of you. So my decision to take second seat should be obeyed," Dick reasoned.

"I was dead first, so you get to make decisions that I'll follow when you visit the afterlife," Jason barked back.

Dick could also argue that Jason was also the first one to engage in illegal activity, but refrained. Once Jason brought out the 'I was dead once' card there was really no argument that would allow Dick to win without missing a few teeth in the process.

Dick kneeled down and held out his hand toward the seat. "Your chariot awaits, Princess," he said sarcastically.

Jason snorted. "Liking the kneeling to me, but your majesty would suffice." He plopped on the second seat and clipped his sunglasses onto the neck of his shirt.

Dick got up and got in the one behind Jason, nailing him in the back of the head with a punch. Jason's head fell forward. He rubbed his head and then turned to glare at Dick. Dick's only response was to wave cheerfully back. Jason turned back around and waited for the damn ride to start soon.

Damian was in the seat behind Dick and Stephanie got the last seat in the back. "Hey, since I'm the least favorite robin, I get the back? Is that how it is?" Steph said, her lips forming a pout.

"I'm surprised you grasped that concept Brown. It was astute and correct in its entirety," Damian replied in front of her.

"But wait, I was the first girl robin!" she defended.

"Hence, the least favorite," Damian said.

Steph blew out a breath and decided to let it go. Besides, the back has the best view for her camera anyway.

The ride finally started and the log began to move. A speaker called out, "Keep your hands, arms, feet, and legs inside the log at all times and be sure to watch your fingers! Have a Zip A Dee Doo Dah ride!" The signs further echo the words. Steph got the impression that their underlining meaning was: don't be stupid or we'll get a lawsuit.

As an act of defiance, Jason stuck his hand out and let it run along the water until the log entered a small barn and the rails lead the log upward.

Steph zoomed in on a robotic owl with glowing, demonic yellow eyes in the corner of the barn and shivered. Creepy much?

They reached the top of the hill and Dick raised his hands up in anticipation for the downward motion. He was disappointed; however, because the log only softly settled down onto the water. The log proceeded to follow along the built-in lines accordingly, setting into a gentle rocking motion.

"This is the ride with the fifty foot drop, right?" questioned. Tim was still fuming up front, but still deigned to reply, "Yes."

Jason said, "Well, where the hell is it? This is more like a gondola ride than a theme park one." Even the scenery wasn't that great, just a bunch of fake rocks and props that belong in a western movie.

Screaming was heard in the distance. Damian suggested, "Maybe the ride is a distraction to lull you into a false sense of security, while they gather the visitors in the assorted logs to a secluded spot to murder them in some sort of Disney ritual, with their reason being that others must be sacrificed in order for them to attain their so-called 'happy ending.'" He continued, "From the content of the movies I was forced to watch in order to gather research, the level of insanity in individuals who watch the content for entertainment purposes would be quite high. The situation I outlined is entirely in the realm of possibility."

There was a moment of silence before Jason broke it with, "Okay, I'm just going to say what everyone's thinking. Who's the one who's going to admit him into an asylum?"

Before anyone could answer, the log fell in a downward movement, the first drop of the ride.  
"That was not a fifty foot drop," Dick complained. And he barely got wet. This is supposed to be Splash Mountain, not Puddle Rock.

"Look! We're entering a tunnel!" Steph said as she adjusted her camera to prepare for the dark.  
Damian's stuck his face out determinately, ready for any insane employees wielding sacrificial knives.

When they entered, all of their expectations were shattered. Inside, there were talking-no, singing animals. Robots surrounded them in the cave. Birds, frogs, rabbits, even a fox that caught a bear and hog tied him up in a tree. The bear was smiling and holding up a blue garment, perhaps stolen. All the animals were appropriately clothed, except the bear. _Of course no one wants to see animals naked, what kind of message would that send to the kids? _Steph internally rolled her eyes.

Damian, who was covering his ears, was repeating, "Make it stop, make it stop. I swear I will jump out and destroy them all."

Steph smiled. "Damian, the singing animals aren't that bad…"

He pulled his hands away. "No. This is just preparation. They torture the mind until they make their final strike. I will not be weakened." Back straight, he stared ahead, trying to ignore the animals as much as he was able to.

Steph leaned out a little and turned the camera towards Jason who, at the moment, looked like he was pulling something out. She sighed, already knowing what he was doing, not even trying to figure out how he got it past security. "Jason. No shooting the robots!" When she said this, Dick reached out in front of him and confiscated Jason's gun. He had snatched it right out of Jason's hand before he could even fight back.

"Oh fuck no! Damn it! Dick, give it back!" said Jason, turning around to try to get it back with a look that might have been desperation. He jabbed Dick with a left hook, but Dick dodged and grabbed Jason's wrist, pressing on the pressure point there.

"I will drop your toy if you do not stop this crap. I swear to god Jason."

"How dare you call Jaybird a damn toy! He's more reliable then a fucking staff!"

All of a sudden, the animals were gone and the log plunged down into darkness. A 'plop' sound came from the water and a roar of outrage came from Jason. The log resumed its slow pace. Darkness surrounded them until animal laughter reached their ears. A moment later, light was shined around on more animals as the log continued on.

"You dropped my fucking gun Grayson! You are dead-no. I will not let you have that peace or the satisfaction. I will torture you for days and borrow blondie's camera to record it all."

Tim spoke up for the first time without any ire. "Well, aren't you the drama queen."

"Still better than being the fucking Swan Queen. I don't see you complaining about the damn ride. Maybe it has something to do with your subjects being a main feature."

That brought Tim back to his anger. "Fuck you."

Dick found that the tunnel was coming to an end. "Look! I see the light! We're almost there!"  
The log went on at what seemed like a snail's pace as the singing continued. A couple of vulture robots, perched on a branch, stared down at them, conversing with each other. Damian thought that the vultures were a sign of the impending danger. He tensed.

The final animal scene was of a bunny wrapped up in rope with a terrified expression on its face. The fox had caught the rabbit and was ready to make him into rabbit stew.

Damian's mouth was set into a stubborn frown, not liking the implications of the imagery.

Pausing in his many scenarios of torturing Dick, Jason took an interest in the rabbit. "Huh. This part of the ride isn't that bad. No singing, just threatening prey. You think they'll kill the rabbit?"

"You are aware this is Disney, moron? They're going to make it have a happy ending. I bet the rabbit will escape," Tim muttered, moody.

"T.t," Damian said, not pleased. He crossed his arms over his chest.

"Great, just ruin the whole ride for everyone why don't you," Steph said. She turned off her camera, stuffing it under her seat. "Hey guys, the big drop is coming up!"

"Finally," Dick whined.

"So?" Tim remarked bitterly.

"SO! We get to pose for that picture they take!" Stephanie said, excited. The others, surprisingly, also seemed interested.

So they do what any dysfunctional family would do when presented with an opportunity to take a group photo while dropping down fifty feet in a log. They strike fabulous poses.

Since Tim was the one granted the great honor of first seat, he had the best view of the daunting drop ahead them. His 'fabulous pose' consisted of wide eyes, a hand clenched to his chest, and a mouth parted in a scream. Stephanie posed as if she was a super model herself. One hand ran through her blonde hair, her eyes were half lidded, and she had a wry smile upon her mouth. Jason shot the camera his signature smirk and formed his hands in a shape of a gun, his 'Stitch' hat still firmly in place. had a wink, a hundred-watt smile, and two peace signs behind Jason's head. Damian added the icing on the cake by flipping off the camera proudly as the log descended.

…

When the torture device came to an end…

"Don't say it. Don't think it. Don't even give each other knowing looks," a soaked Tim muttered, shoulders slumped.

Stephanie was laughing. Everyone else only received splashes, not the super soaker special like Tim did. She tried to make him feel better with, "Weren't you complaining about the heat? You should be happy you got to cool off!"

"Let's go find that picture!" Dick said. They all gathered around the screen and looked for their picture. After a couple minutes of many screaming faces, they found theirs. Dick pointed. "Ooh look! There we are!"

Stephanie squinted and turned her head sideways. "Well. It's…um-," Stephanie made a valiant effort of holding in her laughter, but a few giggles escaped.

She cleared her throat and continued, "Not that bad. I mean… I came out good! Great even. I could submit it to a modeling agency! And, um, you guys did too… kind of…in the right light…"

Dick was also trying to stifle his laughter.

"We look…" Jason trailed off.

"Ridiculous," Damian finished.

Tim's mood instantly changed, and he caught them all off guard when he began to laugh. "We look stupid."

They laughed alongside him. If you're going to look stupid, might as well do it with family and friends.


End file.
